A 53-year-old rural River Falls man is a suspect in a petition-shredding incident last Wednesday, Nov. 23, after 5 p.m., in front of EconoFoods on Main Street. After he pretended to sign a recall for Gov. Scott Walker, the man allegedly jabbed at the petition form with a pen and then ripped the paper. He was confronted by recall petition volunteers. As he walked away, the man gave his name as “George Washington.”

One witness snapped photos of the George Washington suspect’s car and license plate as he drove off.

Say you’re a burglar. Would you break into someone’s car, leave a trail of possessions from that car on the road, sidewalk and stairs leading to an upstairs rental duplex, kick open the door there, splintering the frame, leave the door ajar, go to a front-room couch, fall sleep smelling of booze with your clothes caked in dirt and burrs? Police officers say it was evidence of this sort that led to the arrest of a burglary suspect in the 300 block of North Clark Street around 3:30 a.m. Saturday.

Having allegedly left behind a trail of glaring evidence, the 24-year-old Woodbury, Minn., male suspect apparently decided he could outfox our local officers.

At first he wouldn’t wake up on the couch. When he did, police said the young man acted as if he was unable to grasp the English language. Instead, he responded in Spanish, using common words like “Si” and “Amigo” and the phrase, “My compadres, amigo.”

The Woodbury man kept repeating these words yet never spoke fluent Spanish. Officers also noted that the suspect was clearly not of Hispanic descent.

After getting his driver’s license, police were able to call the suspect’s mother. She said her son was perfectly capable of speaking English, was supposed to be in Woodbury, and she hadn’t a clue how he ended up in River Falls.

Because of the level of intoxication, it took two officers to “escort” the suspect to a waiting squad car. By this time he was speaking some English. However, when told he was going to jail, he said, “Si.”

Cited a 16-year-old high school male student for battery at school in the commons. The boy allegedly kicked another student in the calf and shin. The victim had his leg wrapped in ice to numb the pain. The two were arguing about the merits of the coming world apocalypse. In addition to a citation, the 16-year-old was also suspended from school.

Kit Knox-Viehbeck, W7134 870th Ave., River Falls, reported April 2 to the Pierce County Sheriff's Department that one of her pet donkeys bit her in the hand.

Knox-Viehbeck explained she and her husband had been attempting to place a gelded male miniature donkey in an enclosure with their stud miniature donkey to see if the two would be compatible as pasture mates. The stud evidently didn’t like the gelded male and began to bite at him.

She got between the two animals to separate them and remove the stud. As the stud donkey tried to bit the gelded one, her hand got in the way. Knox-Viehbeck said the donkey didn’t bite her on purpose.

It started last Wednesday afternoon with the apparent theft of a tip jar downtown at the Dish and the Spoon café. It ended a little later with the arrest of a 28-year-old Hudson man who was chased around ShopKo and finally nabbed as he tried to sprint for his freedom through the front-exit doors. The man told officers after his arrest that he was impressed that they could catch him.

The suspect faces charges in both Pierce and St. Croix counties, including shoplifting, attempted theft, resisting arrest and a probation violation.

Teasing during a high school shop class turned grave last week when one male student resorted to name calling. He called another boy “Justin Bieber,” who happens to be the No. 1 teenage singing heartthrob. The 17-year-old student dubbed Justin Bieber took offense. He punched the other student in the forehead. A scuffle broke out and the two were quickly separated. River Falls Police later issued a $177 disorderly conduct citation to the 17-year-old for the punch he threw.

Badger on the snowshoe trail near the dam. Dan Wilcox photo

Fans filled the River Falls High School gym the night of Saturday, Jan. 22 to witness four teams square off in donkey basketball games to benefit the River Falls Pep Club.

Local people mounted up to play as one of the Riverly Hillbillies, Geek Squad, Superheroes, and All-Star Hippies – teams comprised of students; teachers; firefighters, police, and ambulance personnel; and local celebrities.

Students won the game between them and the teachers, and local celebrities proved fiercer on their donkeys than the cape-wearing superheroes. The celebrity team won in the final game against the students.

...best of all, the file name for the image above is "PoopPatrol.jpg".

...you can't make this stuff up.